Can you really believe anything Oxford University tell you?

One could be forgiven for thinking that the spoof press release below was written by an animal rights campaigner. However, people might be surprised to learn that the press release was written not by someone who opposes vivisection but by one of the solicitors acting on behalf of Oxford University; the same solicitor who is currently trying to imprison SPEAK's founders Robert Cogswell and Mel Broughton. SPEAK have been given a copy of the press release that tells us so much about the university and those working on behalf of the university.

The spoof press release gives us an amazing insight into exactly how Oxford University and the solicitors who represent the university, Lawson Cruttendon & Co., view the group known as Pro-test. In public the university sing the praises of the founder of the group and the group itself. In public they are hailed as heroes by the university but as the press release clearly illustrates, behind closed doors the university and the solicitors of the university see them as little more than comic characters, something to laugh at. The plain truth is: the university and their solicitors are contemptuous of this small grouping. SPEAK have maintained from the start that Pro-test are little more than pawns in a much larger game - the press release only serves to illustrate this point.

What the press release also serves to highlight is that all is not what it seems to be. When it comes to the murky world and dirty dealings of Oxford University, the public pronouncements they make must and should be taken with a heavy degree of cynicism and scepticism. Perhaps those that are clearly in the pocket of Oxford University would be wise to bear that in mind before believing anything that the university says in future.

The press release below is just a taster of the deceit and the hypocrisy employed by Oxford University and those that are representing them. More information about the true nature of the university and the solicitors representing them will be posted shortly.

However, in saying this, have a read of the press release. Credit where credit is due, it is very funny. Enjoy and have a laugh at the expense of Oxford University, their solicitors and those who are deluded enough into actually believing the university hold them in high esteem. How very wrong they are. 

Pro-Test Press Release

PRO-TEST FOUNDER LAURIE PYCROFT BEATEN TO DEATH WITH FROZEN TOFU BY ANIMAL LIBERATION FRONT

At 1:15am this morning 16 year old Pro-Test founder Laurie Pycroft was beaten to death outside his family home in Swindon. According to eyewitness reports at around 1:10am a crowd of approximately 20 emerged from two vans which had been parked in front of the Pycroft's family home earlier in the day.

Whilst several held signs reading "Animal murderer", "A life for a life", "I need a haircut" and "Ever since CND stopped doing this kind of stuff frankly I've been bored rigid" others broke down the Pycroft's front door using sledgehammers and fire axes. Laurie was dragged out onto the street and beaten repeatedly with a bag of frozen tofu.

Mrs. Pycroft, Laurie's mother:

"I wanted desperately to try save my little boy but was quite tired after a hard day's work and when I heard his dying screams I thought to myself 'just another five minutes in bed', you can imagine I regret that now. Then again, many emo children with longish black hair and black thick rimmed glassed like his welcome death, so I'm not sure how he feels about it."

The police arrived at approximately 3am, a senior source in Thames Valley Police defended the delay in response time, saying:

"To be honest we're all getting a little bit cheesed off with the little blighter causing us all this extra work. So when we heard someone was trying to kill him, the lads weren't really in the mood to rush their cup of tea. And the duty emergency response officer was halfway through Casablanca, and he just loves that film. But apart from this, we reacted within seconds."

Laurie was pronounced brain dead in 1991 and dead at 4am this morning. Last minute attempts to resuscitate him failed. Paramedics had hoped that animal experimentation would be able to provide a cure, but sadly desperate attempts by evil scientists failed when what a senior university official described as "one of those bloody supply chain issues, the colleges leave it up to the university and the university leave it up to the colleges" caused scientists to run out of photogenic kittens to sacrifice before a cure could be found.

Oxford University said "bad luck".

Pro-Test spokespeople issued the following statement:

"Whilst obviously Laurie's death is unexpected, and probably quite irritating for his family, how sorted are we in terms of favourable press coverage? To be honest, it's bloody brilliant. We're going to get every sodding front page on Monday!! By the time we're finished spinning this, with a bit of luck we'll be able to organise some public lynchings of RSPCA members. Frankly every cause needs martyrs, and we've just hit jackpot. Love the fact they killed him with frozen tofu though, goes to show we were wrong about them not having a sense of humour. Anymore of the Laurent-Perrier left?"